Of Tension and Vengeance
by LunarCat713
Summary: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has a motto: 'Never tickle a sleeping dragon'. But Gilderoy Lockhart ought to go by the motto 'Never provoke the Potions Master'- especially if that Potions Master is Severus Snape.


Alrighty, this is just a quick, humorous fic I thought up and the image wouldn't go away until I got it wrote out. It starts off serious, but it is meant to be funny. And I hope I amuse at least someone. Enjoy!

* * *

The crackling fire harmonized with the near silent movements of the staff as each relaxed in a hard-to-come-by moment. The year had hardly begun and was already hectic- more so than normal, in any case. Because, if any professor of Hogwarts were to be honest with themselves, the school years have been anything but normal and uneventful since one Harry James Potter attended.

Not that it was the boys fault; no matter what Severus Snape declares otherwise. Because even he had to admit that Potter had no control over the Dark Lord's actions. But he still stood by the fact that the boy was a magnet for trouble, invited or not. As Severus sat sipping a mug of freshly brewed tea and browsing the _Daily Prophet_, he thought back to the recent events that put every staff on edge; the petrifaction of Colin Creevy.

The second victim- and yes, they were counting Mrs. Norris- of the supposed heir of Salazar Slytherin. Severus found it hard to believe that someone, most likely a student, suddenly found out about their ancestry and just happened to stumble upon the entrance to the fabled 'Chamber of Secrets'. If that were the case, then it was a second to seventh year and if not, then it was a first year- which he definitely couldn't picture. While he could maybe envision an older student, a teenager, researching and solving the puzzle of the Chamber, Severus still had his doubts.

No, this was something bigger than a mere student. And that alone gave him cause to worry. He glanced about the staff room and noticed that a good portion of the staff had chosen to share companionship in these troubling times, which made him frown and wonder why the hell _he_ chose to lounge in here with his colleagues.

It was relaxing and, though he'd never admit this out loud, reassuring to know his fellow professors were safe. Severus let out a silent sigh and leaned back, relaxing against the cushion of his arm chair. After a full day of teaching loud, accident-or-confrontation-prone students, a moments silence with mature adults was not something Severus wanted to pass up.

"Oh, look, the Minister has made a statement concerning the attacks," Filius Flitwick stated, quietly breaking the silence.

"Where? I looked over the whole front page." Minerva McGonagall thumbed through the opened copy in front of her to scan the front page.

"Well you wouldn't see it on the front page; it's in the _Dependable Disclosures _section," Filius added helpfully.

As Minerva turned to the page, Severus skipped ahead in his own copy. He quickly read the quote and missive and quietly snorted. "What an idiot…" He murmured.

A light chuckled startled him and he glanced over to see Septima Vector leaning in close to read his paper along with him. Out of the whole staff, Septima was the only one who came close to rivaling Severus' sneaking abilities. He raised a brow at her and she merely grinned, having seen that she caught him by surprise. He tried to sneer at her but her grin only widened.

"Why that… that… Ooh, that man!" Minerva's outcry broke up the two's little stand off and all the occupants turned to her.

"'A little matter of mystery' my arse! That flighty man would be incapable of spotting trouble if it slapped him in the face," Minerva ground out.

Severus gave her a look, which she caught and had the decency to blush a little bit. "I am sorry," Minerva said tersely. "But a student has been attacked! And only a second year, at that!"

"I know, Minerva… We all know," Pomona Sprout soothed the flustered witch.

"I think we all know by now that Fudge will downplay any and all troubles that arise under his watch," Charity Burbage asserted.

"Understatement…" Severus muttered, clear enough to be heard by all. Everyone consented to that.

"Yes, well, in my opinion…"

Whatever Filius said was drowned out by the door banging open, startling Bathsheba Babbling into nearly spilling her tea. She swiped a finger across the brim of her cup to catch the drop before turning to the door and grimacing.

Severus followed her gaze and held back his own grimace. Gilderoy Lockhart stood in what Severus assumed was supposed to be a fantastical pose with that ridiculous grin that managed to show very near every tooth in the man's mouth.

"Hello, fellow associates!" Gilderoy chirped, completely missing the few glares his way. The man went on about something or other but Severus just tuned him out, like normal, and went back to browsing the _Prophet_. Suddenly a hand unceremoniously fell upon his shoulder.

"Yes, Lockhart?" Severus ground out. His shoulder was twitching just barely under the other man's hand.

"Severus," Gilderoy started in a serious manner that was unusual for him. "I have a few suggestions for you that I believe would help with your strands."

Severus blinked at him a long moment, unsure if he had heard right. Slowly, the bewildered stares of his fellow colleagues turned into shock.

"What?" Severus snapped.

"Your hair," Gilderoy clarified. "It's so… limp. I have just the right products to get the shine and bounce back."

And to Snape's horror and disbelief Gilderoy actually had the galls to finger a strand of Severus' hair. As Severus growled and was about to hex the man Minerva intervened.

"Um, Gilderoy, perhaps you ought to leave Severus alone. Had he wanted help with his… dilemma," Minerva grinned at Severus and Severus leveled her with a scowl which she ignored and returned her attention to Gilderoy. "He would have come to you," she finished firmly, no doubt hoping to nip Gilderoy's advances in the butt.

Gilderoy blinked and stepped back from Severus, much to Severus' relief. "Oh…" He said lamely and stood silent a short moment before turning back to Severus. "But I still think I could help you. You'd be so much more approachable if you only looked-"

"Do you _really_ want to finish that sentence, Lockhart?" Severus interrupted savagely.

By now the occupants of the Staff Room had disregarded their previous activities to watch the scene unfolding. Severus was more than a little embarrassed and insulted but hid both very well behind annoyed anger. He noticed most of the others were eying the two with amusement and he quickly wanted to put a stop to whatever idea was going on in the idiot man's head.

"Well, Severus, point is that looks can actually get you places." Gilderoy flashed another one of those smiles about the room.

"Hm, that explains so much…" Severus deadpanned, causing the others to snicker.

"Not that my intellect and skills don't matter, of course," Gilderoy continued with a wink, conveniently not hearing Severus' comment.

"Of course, Gilderoy," Charity humored him, straining a small smile. She locked eyes with Severus and shook her head.

"Well?"

Severus turned to Gilderoy. "Well, what?"

"Do you want to try the products, my good man?!"

Severus took a very deep breath, counting to ten. "No," he managed to say without emotion. And before Gilderoy could insist he said, "But thank you anyways"

Of course, Gilderoy missed the hard sarcasm. "Oh, well my offer will still stand, Severus." Gilderoy patted Severus on the shoulder with an affable smile and waltzed out of the room.

Charity stared after him and shook her head. "That one really is dense, isn't he?"

"Well, thankfully _you_ have the sense to see that. It seems nearly the entire witch population is smitten by that… man," Severus said.

Charity blushed. "Well, I admit I may have had a crush on him to begin with…" She stammered out but quickly continued strongly when she saw the look of disgust on Severus' face. "That is until I actually met him. He is in no way like he makes himself out to be in his books."

Severus dipped his head in allowance.

"I quite agree," Minerva said, sniffing and sitting up. "There is no way that man was able to do all those things."

"I do wish he wasn't so…" Filius trailed off.

"Pompous?"

"Arrogant?"

"Full of himself?"

"Conceited?"

"Vain?"

The numerous inputs dragged a smile out of Severus, which he quickly squashed away. "It would be so nice if someone were to knock him down a notch. I'm sure even he would be humbled if his 'perfect' image were to be…" Severus trailed off, a thought coming to mind.

"Uh, oh…"

Severus heard the comment and realized that a sort of feral grin had slid onto his face.

"Please tell me you're putting your Slytherin traits to good work there, Severus."

Severus flashed Septima a sly grin. She smiled.

"Oh, I can't wait to see this. Make it good," She said.

Severus nodded. "I think I just might take Lockhart up on his offer…" he said vaguely, eliciting confused responses.

He ignored them all as he put away his paper and mug and went to find Gilderoy- after visiting his lab, of course.

Later that day at dinner, Severus glided up the aisle between the tables ignoring the increasing volume of the students. Those who were in the staff room earlier that evening were looking at him expectantly.

"Well, what did you do, Severus?" Pomona asked as Severus took his seat two down from her.

Severus settled into his chair and turned to her calmly. "I have no idea what you mean, Pomona."

His response caused a bit of whining but the headmaster's entrance quelled them.

"Good evening, all," Albus said jovially. He noticed he interrupted something and took in the surrounding faces before he stared at Severus. "Severus, what did you do?"

Severus turned innocent eyes onto the headmaster. "Me? I assure you, I don't know what you mean, Headmaster."

Clearly, Albus didn't buy the act. But he said nothing as he relaxed into his seat to gaze over the Hall and its growing occupants.

The Hall was filled now and dinner would appear shortly but Gilderoy had yet to make an appearance. Severus was a little disappointed; he had hoped the man would show up regardless. He swept his gaze around the Hall, pausing momentarily on Mr. Creevy's usual spot, noticing the boy's fellow year-mates were more subdued. And it wasn't just from them- a slight tension hung over everyone. Moments before Albus was about to call the dinner forth, the doors opened to admit Gilderoy.

Severus allowed himself a smug smirk before schooling his features into a neutral expression. Quickly the Hall went silent before all kinds of laughter suddenly erupted from the four tables. As well as from the staff table, but being adults and professors they had to quickly mask their amusement.

With embarrassment and frustration clear on Gilderoy's face, the man quickly walked the length of the tables towards his spot with the staff. He stopped by Severus' with some pleading in his eyes.

"Severus!" He whispered. "I seem to have, er, had an unfortunate side effect from one of my hair products…"

"Yes, I see that," Severus said plainly, his eyes rising to gaze at what once was flawless, wavy gold-blond hair. Instead, he now saw singed, lime green hair that was standing on end.

"Well, can't you fix it?!" Gilderoy asked, a little crazed and definitely desperate.

Giving himself a moment to keep his delight from showing, Severus responded innocently, "Why, Lockhart, I'm not sure I'm the one to ask for help. However, perhaps one of the lady's-" Severus nodded towards the female professors, "Would be able to give you some advice?"

Gilderoy stood flustered a moment before he relented and continued on to his own seat. With Gilderoy behind him now, Severus shared a smirk with the other professors who were grinning at him. Evening out his expression to something neutral, Severus noticed the food had yet to appear and eyed the headmaster.

Albus was giving him a stern look, but Severus could see his lips twitching and the amusement in the older man's eyes. Severus simply flashed him an angelic smile before pointedly turning to his still empty plate. Albus conceded and called for dinner.

Severus enjoyed his meal, not only because it was delicious- as was normal of the house elves- but because there were still outbursts of laughter from the students. Out of the corner of his eye, Severus saw that Gilderoy was rather uncomfortable. Infinitely better than enduring the man's self-centered gabbing and boisterous claims of fame.

And suddenly Severus realized how much the tension in the Great Hall lifted on both the student and staff's side. He quirked a true smile before swiftly letting his face slide into his trademark scowl. Mission to knock Gilderoy Lockhart down a notch- accomplished. Easing the worry and tension in the student and staff body- a rewarding bonus.

* * *

See? Severus Snape isn't all _that_ bad, now is he? Well, I really hope I made someone laugh or at least smile. And I hope all my readers got a great image of a green-haired, flustered Lockhart. Seriously, though, he is just asking for a prank of that sort...


End file.
